Top 5 Worst Children's Shows

Before there is a bombardment of holier-than-thous that insist screen time and TV will rot the souls of children, let me say that sometimes it is necessary. For instance, when I am out of wine or coffee, the clean laundry pile has been thrown onto the dirty floor that hasn't been vacuumed in a month, and both kids are running around in their underwear, screaming and trying to push each other while I am aggressively trying to clean yogurt off the couch, possibly also in my underwear.

In other words, my children will watch TV on a daily basis. Sue me.

There are a few shows, however, that are beginning to give me a tick. My eyelids will start twitching, my heartbeat increases, and-- it's the weirdest thing-- but I'll start to see shades of red. So, below is my top 5 list of children's shows that are actually the worst things to grace any television network.

  1. Little Einsteins- ignoring the fact that the two girls have typically gender stereotyped roles-- dancing and singing-- one of them sucks at her job. Annie. Poor little Annie cannot sing. Why would the creators of this show choose the one character that sounds like metal scraping against metal in a car accident to be the singer? No, not poor little Annie-- poor mommy's ears.
  2. Dora the *expletive* Explorer- y'all. I have come to understand that Dora only says the same 7 words in every episode, but repeats them approximately 8,395 times. And for such an accomplished and prodigious explorer, she needs help a little too often. My son even yelled at her one time, "Just hurry up, Dora!" Also, I have now begun unconsciously singing every two syllable compound word or phrase like Dora sings "backpack." Everything-- washcloth, washcloth; laundry, laundry; clean up, clean up... 
  3. Caillou- where to start. First, I don't understand his head. It's a completely bald circle with a face on it. Second, whose parent's are actually named Boris and Doris. And he's whiny. He's supposed to be 4 but often appears with an infant body. Weird.
  4. Any show with grown men- think Imagination Movers or The Wiggles. I don't trust adult men being overly excited and enthusiastic to get children's attention while wearing matching or coordinated ensembles. And then they jump around, all exaggerated. You're an adult. It's a little too help-me-find-my-dog-in-my-white-van for my taste.
  5. Daniel Tiger- I don't hate this one as much as a few others. However, the persistent need for Daniel and his neighborhood to make up songs regarding every minute detail in their lives is obnoxious. It's always to the same tune and, while the message is great, the songs occur too often that they tend to be tuned out or cause mommy to snap and change the channel. 
That's the top 5. I could add in a few others, too-- Agent Oso and The Teletubbies because, what in the actual world is that mess? But, there is one cartoon that drives me absolutely bonkers. This one isn't even on the list because it is its own entity in and of itself. This show has a special circle in hell, in my opinion. Here it is:
  • Mickey Mouse Clubhouse- hear me out. I know this one is going to be a hard pill to swallow, but I could write a dissertation on why this is the worst cartoon ever. First, Mickey is a narcissistic asshole. Seriously. Every single thing is about him. His hot air balloon, Toodles, the clubhouse, OUTER SPACE... Really, Mickey. You need a constellation and martian named after you?! And then all the other characters-- they have to have Stockholm Syndrome. Everybody caters to Mickey. Even grumpy Donald. And there are two dogs-- Goofy and Pluto. Why is one a pet and clearly suffering in the IQ department? I'll tell you why-- because Mickey drove Pluto so crazy with his narcissistic tendencies that Pluto absolutely lost his mind. Goofy is well on his way, too.... Hence why he is goofy. His name is really probably Richard or something, since everybody else has a real name. And, on the topic of Goofy-- Mickey is dating Minnie, Donald is in love with Daisy, so why in the hell is a dog in love with a cow named CLARABELLE. Clarabelle is a whole other issue with me... her voice, her shoes, her moo muffins, her overall mannerisms and personality (can you tell I've had this show on in the background for the past 5 years?!). Then, they always make Pete the villain when he so clearly just wants to be a part of the gang. Like, damn Minnie, just give him some minestrone soup! And where do all the other characters live? All we ever see is Mickey's residence and then a random castle or barn depending on the episode. And finally, for the sake of time, Minnie and Daisy are gender stereotyped. Why do they make bows and pick flowers and bake? Sure, these are all great skills, but why can't the Toon Car break down and Daisy pull out a socket wrench to fix it? Minnie and Daisy always need saving, it seems. Let Mickey be the damsel every once in a while. Oh, he won't ever admit he needs help, because he's a narcissist. I don't understand the hype-- he can't even do anything on his own. He's constantly calling on Toodles, the handy helper, or his friends (read: minions) and then taking all the credit. Get over yourself, Mickey. 
I feel better having got all of that off my chest. Whew! 

If you're like me and use the TV as an occasional tool, what are your least favorite children's shows? Leave a comment to share your thoughts! 

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