Bathroom Phenomena

I was in the shower yesterday when I heard it.

It wasn't the first time I had heard this horrible sound, and my blood ran as cold as my mom hair was oily.

A child was crying.

Much like Clark Kent in the phone booth, I hopped out of my shower, wrapped my Superhero Towel around my saggy mom-bod, and went running to save the day.

Except, everything was quiet upon exiting my bathroom. Just like the time this had happened before.

I had been duped again by this strange, unsettling bathroom phenomena. I felt like I was in the infamous shower scene from Psycho-- except there WAS no knife, no screaming, no danger. Then what, exactly, was happening?

In my whole five years of being a parent, I have come to realize that there are three inexplicable things that happen in bathrooms while having children. I am sure that as my children get older, more phenomena will be added to the list. But, until then, here are the three:

  1. Mother-Induced Schizophrenia- you hear voices. Always. The SECOND that warm water hits your greasy, stretch-marked body, the cries will come. It's as if the water pipes themselves push out that glorious baptism of cleanliness with the tears of your children. Except, the kids are sleeping. Or outside with their daddy, or are at school. What the...?  It's inevitable. The voices do get a little quieter the older your children get. But as far as I've been a living mother-- they don't stop. I think I read somewhere that it is proven that only 3% of recorded incidents where mothers hear their children crying in the shower were proven to be their actual children crying (editor's note: this is completely fabricated. Call Trump-- it's an ACTUAL alternative fact). 
  2. Father-Induced Constipation- now, seeing as that I am not actually the father (even though in every argument my husband and I get into I claim otherwise), I cannot prove this fact scientifically or through personal observation like I did with number 1. However, based on the significant and highly worrisome amount of time that my husband now spends in the bathroom since having children, I will deduce that he must be constipated. And he's not alone-- I have heard many-a-mother complain about how lengthy their significant others' bathroom staycations have become once graduating from bachelorhood to daddyhood. It seems, ALMOST, as if they are taking their own personal time-out. Which, mothers do not get because... #3 ladies and gentlemen.... 
  3. Bathroom Infestation- it's disgusting. As a mother, I have realized that I can NEVER go to the bathroom in peace because all of the sudden my bathroom is infested. With babies. And children. And dogs. If I had a fish, it would probably need me when I squatted down, too. And good luck locking the door.... They will find a way. Fingers under the crack of the door, toys reaching your foot, eyes peeping through the keyhole or, even worse, the window. Yes, the window. You can't escape. It's like a video game that has come to life to interrupt your most sacred of moments. Privacy? That word quit existing the second your genitals were on display during labor. And your children, no matter how old, know that and exploit it. Sure, Mom hasn't had a break to herself and needs to take a quick 10 seconds to use the bathroom. Doesn't it seem like the MOST opportune time to throw Legos under the door so she can build them into the perfect zoo so you don't have to wait any longer?


  1. ON your list of items numbered 1, 2 & 3. YES, YES, and YES. We all experience all three of these, even when the youngest kidlet is in now a teen. (Think on that a second, Samantha is a TEENAGER!)


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